30 Facts about Chuck Norris :
1. Chuck Norris does not have your normal human-style, male nipples. He has a Dodge Ram hood ornament on each pec, and both rams blow smoke out of their noses each and every time he pumps Christy Brinkley.
2. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
3. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
4. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
5. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
6. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
7. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
8. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
9. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
10. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
11. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
12. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
13. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya".
14. Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
15. Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
16. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
17. One day Chuck Norris looked in the mirror and said "No one outstares Chuck!" He is still there to this day.
18. Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
19. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
20. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
21. Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.
22. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
23. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
24. Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
25. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
26. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
27. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
28. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
29. Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
30. Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
30 Facts about Vin Diesel!!!
1. When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
2. If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."
3. Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.
4. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.
5. When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. Fuck you, team.
7. When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.
8. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.
9.Vin Diesel coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he ate every last unicorn in existence.
10. Vin Diesel was scheduled to be Stalone's stunt double in Rambo, but he was replaced after refusing to wearing a parachute when jumping from the plane.
11. Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
12. Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.
13. Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
14. Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
16. Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
17. When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.
18. Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while fucking another.
19. Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
20. If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital.
22. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
23. You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
24. Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.
25. Vin Diesel can divide by zero.
26. Vin Diesel once ate the entire cake at a bachelor party before anyone could tell him there was a stripper in it.
27. On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
28. Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
29. The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.
30. It takes 14 puppeteers to make Vin Diesel smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.
i liked chuck norris better hehe